The Different Stages of Love

The Different Stages of Love

From attraction to obsession to attachment, love takes you through different stages — and though the thrill of the obsessive stage is seductive, it is soon followed by the reassuring warmth of emotional bonding!

MOST television soaps keep the romantic lead stuck for long periods in love’s obsessive state. The camera caresses them from every angle as they stay frozen, giving each other prolonged lovelorn looks. Audience hearts stop likewise…freefalling with a collective thud as the screen couple’s loaded gazes break contact!

This is repeated with nauseating frequency, television producers fighting shy of having the couple declare their feelings, as this would result in an assured dip in TRPs. The audience waits for the climactic declaration, and then loses interest! Who is interested in happily-ever-after? The excitement and adrenaline-laden moments all happen before the couple settles down to eternal, stable, boring bliss. And TV believes in doling out the just-before moments by the ladles to a romance-starved audience.

Wouldn’t it be nice if in real life too one could stay stuck forever in love’s obsessive state —where every footfall announces a lover’s visit, each whisper shivers down the spine, and any sound seems sweet as a nightingale’s song! A state of constant edge-of-seat excitement and suspense, not knowing what further delights the next moment will unfold!

This of course is the second stage of falling in love, as enumerated by love researcher Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey. The first stage is the phase of attraction, when you first find yourself drawn by and interested in another. In men this is typified by lust, a sexual attraction often fuelled by visual interest; in women, it is often the result of a man’s interest in them, or his intellect, power or status. This stage quickly gives way to the obsessive second stage when hormones rage uncontrollably, keeping one on a perpetual high, with senses as though ‘of hemlock… drunk’. Every thought is of the beloved, each waking moment a bated breath, and sleep just an excuse to dream some more!

Science has established the actual chemical changes that take place in the obsessive state of love. The release of Dopamine gives one the same high as being on cocaine or nicotine. Adrenaline that courses through the veins increases heartbeats and is responsible for the restless excitement. Levels of serotonin take a dip, which is what makes the initial stages of love akin to the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — sleeping less, eating less, obsessively thinking of the lover and a constant living in wait of the next meeting!

With such excitement-inducing chemicals, is it surprising that one would like to stay in this state forever? Maybe one should end affairs the moment they start, because the fun is actually already over by the time real romance begins; it is teetering on the edge of the precipice that gives one the highs, much more than the free fall into an abyss! And as a colleague said wistfully, if this phase just has to end, wouldn’t it be nice to quit a relationship at the stage when romance quits, and fall all over in love again with someone else?! “That would be a nice way to hoodwink the natural progression of things and remain on a romantic high forever,” he grinned cockily.

But life is about moving on, not staying perched in one place. And so, in real life, as well as on the small screen, finally comes the day when romance is declared. By now the chemically-laden activity has settled down and you are able to focus on rest of life as well, apart from each other. And now comes the critical third stage of love. Some couples discover that there is nothing left once the chemistry is gone; others find a confident, stable love takes over from an uncertain, excited and nervous romance. Hormones settle down and one reaches the next stage of love; Oxytocin, the chemical for warm bonding, takes over. This chemical is released during orgasm and also during childbirth and helps create bonds between a couple, who now transcend from obsession into a deeper and mature partnership. It is because of this quality of Oxytocin that physical contact, if indulged in a bit too soon in a relationship, can be misleading! All three stages of love have their own unique characteristics and each prepares us for the next, logically falling in line with Nature’s natural plan of progression and procreation. Of course for those who would rather stay with the thrills and peaks rather than follow a steadier horizontal graph, my colleague’s suggestion of staying forever in the second stage of loving by jumping from one love to another, may be worth a try! After all, the only thing you stand to lose is your sanity and credibility!