Avoid Divorce

1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming
yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen into
a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress.
Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.

Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much
easier to point the finger somewhere and say "It's their fault."
But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger
on yourself and place the blame there, saying "it's all my fault."
Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the
long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can
make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget
it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your
marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.

2) Take responsibility. Decide you can do something. Change always
begins with one person who wants to see a change. Understand that
taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame.

Instead, responsibility is saying "regardless of who is at fault, there are
some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them." What
buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push
with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed
and stop pushing the buttons.

Everyone typically knows what they should be doing or not doing.
But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don't be caught in
that. Decide that you will take action.

The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in
a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who
started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going
to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else
I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage
is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to
save the marriage?

3) Get resources from experts. If others have been helped, you can
be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience
can be a real help in these situations.

Don't assume that your situation is so different from every other
situation. The story changes in each case, but the dynamics are
much the same.

Remember what Albert Einstein said, "The significant problems we
have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we
created them." In other words, what got you into trouble will not
get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of
thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone
with a fresh perspective.

4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a
misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the situation.

Therapists often talk about "analysis paralysis." This occurs when
people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to
"figure things out" that they never take action.

It is not enough to simply understand what is causing the problem.
You must then act! On a daily basis. Resolution of the situation
takes action.

Will your marriage be saved? Marriage is one of those places where
it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things
up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough.
Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.